Aging Vivaciously
Ruth Yunker
Author and Humorist
Ruth Yunker is an author, humorist and memoirist. She's been writing for thirty five years, and has published three books. Two about Paris, and surviving this beautiful but touchy city, traveling solo, staying in apartments, without a hotel at her back. "Me, Myself and Paris" and "Paris, I've Grown Accustomed to Your Ways". Her third book "Baby, I'm the Boss of Me, My Journey to Ageless" takes on aging with vibrant curiosity, personal power and a well-defined sense of humor, to ensure smooth sailing along this most daunting time in our lives. Ruth lives in Los Angeles, has two grown children whom she adores, is in between pets, does the New York Times crossword puzzle with an erasable pen, and has an unfortunate addiction to barbecue potato chips.
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www.marlanasemenza.com
Audio : Ariza Music Productions
Transcription : Vision In Word
Marlana
Ruth Younker is an author, humorous and memoirist. She lives in Los Angeles has two grown children is in between pets, does the New York Times crossword puzzle with an erasable pen and has an unfortunate addiction to barbecue potato chips. She has been writing for 35 years and has published three books including Baby on the boss of me my journey to Atlas. Welcome, Ruth.
Ruth
Hi, thank you for having me on.
Marlana
So, I really am looking forward to having this conversation with you because I think aging is a touchy topic when it comes to women because most of us, as we age almost feel like we have to shrink and become a little more invisible. We aren't in the bloom of youth anymore, opportunities seem to be less, all those kinds of things. And even the beauty industry has such an emphasis on being young, staying young, all these kinds of things. So, I know that you use the term agent by viciously so how do we embrace that as opposed to, you know, wallowing in the corner?
Ruth
Yeah, first of all, get out of the corner, and stop wallowing and you're not invisible you're making you're doing it to yourself. Now I know people say I feel less visible now, well darken your eyebrows, for one thing, that's a practical thing women give up on their eyebrows as they get older. And I'm serious about this. I taught this is my book, Baby I'm the boss of me. And one of my chapters in it is about when I discovered the day that my eyebrows had turned white on me, you know. And anyway, that's the as you can see. But it's I don't we are from the very beginning. Beginning given a bad rap. Now I was a teenager in the 60s. So, I hit the baby boomers burn your bra, you're over by the time you're 30 types of attitudes. But it was a crazy time, and it wasn't the first time that women rose up and, you know, did their speech. I mean, it's been going on for a long time. But I think it gets back to the whole don't buy into that, that you're less beautiful as you get older, actually in the modeling industry now there is a huge it's called the classic. And using older models, just as diversities come into that world and but it's up to you, you know, you can't this is not a time when somebody else is going to give you a hand when as one gets older. It's their path. It's my path. You know, it's like you're all alone when you're born and you're all alone when you die, no matter how many people around the bed. It's you taking that next step and the sooner and I think I don't think we're born vulnerable feeling I think it really does have to do about have to do with our looks and that aging part but that affects men as well. I have men friends and pen their pay slips you know, the bottom half never really taught. And I can keep the craggy brow, but you know it's and that starts you're preserving your look starts with keeping, healthy eating healthy,
exercising. The older you get, the more exercise you have to do. I'm sorry to say it but it's like I used to have six weeks grace period of kind of like just letting everything go. Now five days and forget it. I mean I walk I do yoga, I used to do ballet, I used to ride horses, I used to jog. I've been doing something since I was 15 years old. And in spite of those barbecue potato chips, I have a bag waiting up there for me, I just think the health part comes first that I mean yes, because I learned early that when I started jogging, that it got the serotonin or whatever that makes you more cheerful it ramped it up. Exercise can help you achieve a sense of calm and serenity that pills won't do. Or I mean not. Again, I'm not a doctor, I'm telling you it works for me. I'm about as pure as you can get. Unfortunately, I gave up drinking at the age of 50. And, for very good reasons. No one around me was sorry I gave up drinking let's just leave it at that. And that was a huge eye opener and just learning to live life. For on its own. You know, I when I first quit, I was walking into a Starbucks and there was a two-year-old walking out with her mother, and you know hanging onto her mom's arm and she was just a light with joy. And I remember thinking, I want what you have. Because I know her mommy, that little kid barely had sugar in her, you know, I'm not talking about a stringent lifestyle I'm talking about also know what you need, give it to yourself. Like, I've given up alcohol, I will never give up anything else. Like, I'll never say I am never going to eat another barbecue potato chip in my life. I'm not doing that, you know, pick your battles. But so, I think it starts for me, it started with health, and then a good attitude that is hard to come by. I gave up anxiety eight years ago.
Marlana
How do you do that?
Ruth
Yeah, exactly, right. With practice one day at a time. You know, it's a course, anxiety hasn't gone out of the window. But there was a point where I was saying, why do I react to every single new situation, even one I want, like walking into a new dance class or into a party of people, I don't know, wearing an outfit I like feeling pretty good. And I'll still have that flash of anxiety goes through. And I have, you know, a very good acquaintance with panic attacks, you know? Or was
Marlana
is that come as you got older? Or was that always part of your makeup?
Ruth
I think it was a part of my makeup but not as I kind of gotten beaten out of me a little bit by being a new kid a million times when I was growing up. 8 million is my standard number, probably a new kid five times. But, as I got, I think, I think more so. And particularly it was exacerbated towards the end of my drinking. So, since I stopped drinking it, it has reared its head a few times. And I and I believe in therapy. I do a lot of yoga; I am total yogi. Oh my God! I apologize.
Marlana
I'm not a problem. No, it just means you're popular.
Ruth
Telemarketer and I've even signed up for one of those things as soon as get you know, they don't anyway. So, but the anxiety thing, I'm bringing that up in terms of saying giving it up, like someone could say, I'm going to give up worrying about what's going on the other side of the world because I personally cannot do anything about it. And my worry doesn't help me, doesn't help my organs, the inside of me and I was just all tensed up over that. And so, with the anxiety it was really a quote, and it's still there. I mean, I you know, I definitely I had to drive to something new and different the other day and I was like, oh my God, you know, that I just, you know, I had my ways. I left them time I got there just fine but I had to go through that, you know, and it's a practice, it's starting to notice how often I started to notice how often I would go there. I think that's a hint for anyone that had to do, or you notice pay attention to yourself. I'm a writer, I keep a journal and I don't keep a journal and I write in it. Just to write to myself. My children are supposed to burn them after I die but I think I better make sure I get rid of them first and not because of any kind of interesting gossiper titillating stuff. No, they are an honorably boring in terms of the constant whining that constant from starting them in 1982 When my daughter was two years old till now when I am 72 years old, and it's still going on in there. Either, it's good for me because it gets it off my chest, you know, and I can analyze it a little bit. But they are not. These are journals. So, I'm saying you know, keep a journal where you're being truthful to your you're talking to yourself or make lists, I'm big on words and stuff but catch your rep repetitive ways of thinking that are aren't helping, you know, that are negative, as some people think that's the smart way to be. I turn on the news first thing in the morning because I want to know what's going on. I turn on music. I go for a walk on the boardwalk. I mean, I'm going to find out what's going on during the course of the day. I have friends who say okay, Ruth, now let you want to know what's going on. And it depends. Now I have a subscription to The New York Times and the LA Times, you know, scan on it right into real estate, which I think is much more fun. Yeah. You know what I can do something about? I do and I am a big believer of positivity and adding joy in your own personal life. My personal brand and my kind of stand that I'm on is finding the smallest pay attention to your daily life. Get up in the morning smile at the mirror at yourself. I always recommend Botox if you've got a big crease here and get rid of it. Because all that does is and that look a worry into your, into your brain. Like, oh, I'm really tensed to know if you get that removed by Botox, all you see is this calm phase, and it's a very good associate annoyed, calm, we'll figure out how to be calm, being calm is better, being calm is wiser, being calm will help you age better. And I have a friend as to why that takes away the passion in my life. I used to think being angry was passionate, you know, and that really helped matters, you know, ever. I mean, a good solid argument with someone and usually someone you love very much is you that's part of living and that's part of life, you know, but in general with yourself, just try and notice those negative traits and just notice them. That's the first. There's always the first step and then you take it from there.
Marlana
So let me ask you, how do you okay, so now, we're working on our internal, how do you tune out the external because for example, there is this beautiful, amazing model who was in sports Illustrated recently swimsuit. And she I don't remember how old she was. But the minute she came on the scene that the chatter started, who does she think she is? She's too old for this, you know, did she have work done bla bla bla bla bla, meanwhile, she's amazing. And why can't we just embrace that this woman is amazing. Where it seems like, anytime a man is, as he gets older, you know, we look at the Sean Connery's of the world and they become distinguished we become quote unquote, old. So how do you tune out that mess?
Ruth
But you're right. I mean, it's at home. Do you remember who the model was? By the way?
Marlana
I don't remember her name offhand. I have to look for it, send it to you.
Ruth
Okay, well, I get I get, I get that I'm 72. I've had a facelift; I believe in Botox. I believe in get the facelift and skip the filler If you want to do that, you know, just go ahead, and get it done with and you know, it's a much cleaner way of doing things. But all of that kind of work is the same as taking care of your body, you know, not getting up to 250 pounds, which I think the world could do quite all of us could do quite easily. You look at a Sean Connery. He had good face work, man, but he had you know, and he took care of himself, right? There that that kind of one time a woman leaned across a dinner table, or a dinner party and she leaned across the table, and she said to me, okay, Ruth, well, you know, you look good, but that's because you work at it. Like that was an advanced thing. Yeah. And I leaned across to her and I said, and you look like you look like because you don't do a thing about it. She was a plane. She wasn't she didn't have to be playing, but she was pissed off. It was like a mean girl type question. I just tune it out. Because I feel better than them and I know it. And that's another thing is own your ego. Own it, acknowledge it. If you're good at something, you're good at it and be grateful. I mean, alone privately, you do all the grateful you know, the spiritual work and all that but out there in the world, especially as you get older, just stand tall. I remember one time running into a grocery store in Florida somewhere and in I lived in palace a part of Adera at that time, and flirty and women take care of themselves, you know, certainly a certain ilk. Now, there's always going to be those people that don't do a darn thing and you know, fine just stay out of my face. But she was older I think I was I had just turned 50 or something like that. And she was in her 80s I'm sure just this gorgeous woman but as she walked by us with pushing her cart and not leaning on the cart, pushing it, her perfume just was gorgeous. So, I hastened up to her kind of in a wind-blown kind of you know frazzled buying groceries for children at home type thing. And center. Oh, my God, I love your perfume. I love it. And what is it? And I don't know what I expected her to do kind of fall down on her face because I thought she was great, and she was older you know and all that. But I also was truly like telling me and she looked up at me and my kind of messiness and her elegance and she said it's Lucia hold on darling Lucia Hall, and off she went. Hardly a tiny little smile here like maybe you'll be there one day. And I thought that's who I want to be. I want to be like that. I know at home she took one eye I see an older woman or an older man, both anyone who are getting now that I'm 72 I look at people that I know are younger than I am looking older. But so, when I see someone who's like 80-90, and I know what it takes to stand straight, I have scoliosis I have to, I have to constantly do the bet the anyway, I look at them, and I realize how much time and effort it has taken them to be at this age and out fully dressed, walking with authority. Maybe these women who pick on someone like that they're just lazy jerks.
Marlana
Yeah
Ruth
Apart by French, you know, and women can be so nasty with each other. I don't know if men are nasty with each other. You know, but women, a certain ilk of women can be that way.
Marlana
Yeah.
Ruth
And I hate every one of them.
Marlana
Yeah, I yeah, I think it's more prevalent with women.
Ruth
Yeah.
Marlana
So how do you think enough of us step into our power our and own all of the wonderful things about us?
Ruth
Well, I can't answer that. Because I don't know. You know, but certainly in my world, I tend I've gone through not, I'm not weeding out friends, it's not like that. But as I get older, I have less patients are the ones who still kind of seem trapped back are the ones who still you know, do everything with their husband, and everything with their husband, I divorced my second husband in 2000. And I, I've been in a few relationships then but I'm, I also took care of my elderly father, as the older kid. After my mother died, and I didn't, I didn't have to take care of my mom, we live together. We had a family be just been in the family for years. And I lived there. And it was fun. My son lives there. For a while I had a it was an interesting household going on at the time. But I finally for the first time in my life actually lived alone, because I got married at 19 had children when I was divorced, I still had children, you know, at the age of 67, so that was five years ago. And I love it, you know now. I mean, there are times when I wish there were someone who could put on my necklace for me, you know, or if I'm with someone, I'm never living with them. That is wonderful. But in that period of time since I divorced in 2000. I've traveled alone, and I've just gotten stronger because of it. And I mean, I had a good upbringing, I lived in Europe as a kid, when I was 12, we moved to Brussels, Belgium, I was the most ungrateful 12-year-old for that European experience, hated Paris. I've written two I've been back to Paris is where I go. There's a kind of a base, written two books about that. But at the time, I didn't like it. It was a bigger, dirtier Brussels, Belgium, which is where we live. My poor mother was pregnant with her sixth child over there and she's taking her 12-year-old to the Louvre to see the Mona Lisa. And I'm going it's so small. You get close to it. You know, it's just this is this museum is ridiculous is too big, you know? Oh, it was awful, you know, but I chose to go back to Paris when I started going back at six weeks staying for six weeks in an apartment was because I used to speak French and I knew some of it would come and I just figured that was reasonable. But anyway, so in terms of I think, I think I really don't know I meet boasts some of my closest friends will suddenly surprise me we're talking about suddenly someone spoke up the other day and said, well, I'm glad Hillary Clinton wasn't, you know, electric. It's just ridiculous to meet a
woman for President. I mean, even the men at the table rose up and said, what are you kidding? It would be good to have a woman as a president in this country, you know, and then they were like, I was like, I thought we were friends.
Marlana
So, is there anything about aging that scares you?
Ruth
No, not anymore. Because I'm in the middle of it. You know, I have the I mean, I would hate to have suddenly a very painful the ability the disease attacked me. But even then, when I talk about in my book, everyone has their Everest's. And it's a funny, I'm a humorous, so the book is funny. Oh, well, hopefully, you know, it's got a bit of everything. And but the first address was having my first child and suddenly realizing, oh my God, I've got to feed this kid three meals a day for the next 18 years. You know, and, and how scary it was. And it was the kid was never, he is now a psychologist, and he is 44. So, it worked out, you know, we had some lumps along the way. And then the second Everest was, you know, doing what I'm talking about is do doing the thing you're most afraid of, but you know you need to. And that was for me giving up alcohol. I just, I just, I knew I had to do it. And so, I did. And the world opened up. And I learned at that point, and I believe that, that if you've got that kind of mountain in front of you jump off it, just jump off it, like your friend who wants to move to Florida, you know, it's like, she must have a reason for it, you know? And so, what was the original question, though, I'm rambling.
Marlana
If there's anything that you're afraid of, as you age.
Ruth
Oh, the only thing I'm afraid of this, if, and I say this, because there's nothing beautiful in front of me right now about my aging. I mean, I go to my chiropractor, I have to exercise a lot, I have to watch what I eat. But I, there's so many other things that are good about aging, kind of slowly, your wisdom and your self-confidence. The only thing I would say at this moment that would cause sort of a horrible sorrow to go through me is I just lost a very the last person I was in a long relationship with but then we managed to become best friends. And he died in October of leukemia. And, and my parents, you know, and friends that have died is that hideousness of losing someone. And so, it would be if I died, when I know, if my children are still at an age where they are going to suffer, because they're in the way I did with my parents. That's the only thing that they would lose me even though I feel the person who dies is in great shape. They've moved on, it's the next lecture, whatever it is, you know, and so know, the aging. So, when you say don't run out of money, well, I, I've danced around that issue a few times. So, there's always a plan B.
Marlana
Yeah
Ruth
No. So, if it's like, oh, my God, I've just found out I'm going to I don't know what you know, like, I My eyes are giving me a trouble. I'm pretty sure I need cataracts removed or whatever, and I'm going to go
next Wednesday, finally, you know, and if I find out, are you going to be blind in two weeks? Well, what's plan B, then you know what I mean? You know, because they alternate as they say, they think it's funny, and you know, is that you're dead? But dead is that's there, okay. I'm sure they're fine. It's struggling, you know, I think one of the safest things as you age is to make sure you are close with your family, with your children, your brothers and sisters, your friends, be involved in several communities have younger friends, younger doctors. Find a good plastic surgeon, if you're that kind of person, you know, I don't know, it's I didn't expect to feel this wonderful at this age, just like I turned 70 And I had a meltdown. I wasn't even going to announce it on my Facebook platforms, you know, or my Instagram platform but then I did because you know, I have a YouTube channel it's all about aging. Alright, it stopped at the pandemic, but I'm about to start it back up again. And I woke up and I was like, oh my God, I'm 70 this is you know; this has just gone too far. But then suddenly, I was 71. And then last August was my 72nd birthday. And I woke up that morning, and I thought I don't feel any age at all. And that was when the true meaning of the word ageless became real to me. Because ageless doesn't mean like oh, she's ageless in her infinite wisdom. It means I'm not sure how old I am because I feel exactly the same.
Marlana
Yeah, is there any perspective that you have now that you wish you had had years ago?
Ruth
Well, I sort of joke about that question sometimes it goes it's like what would you tell your 16-year-old self-person but and that I tell my 16-year-old self-girls are too good at math. And the reason I recommend that is because math always has an answer and men grow up thinking they're good at math and they've always got an answer you know and we grow up going oh my God, I'm too creative to know how to get you know this triangle thing here. And instead, sometimes when the chips are down and I'm alone someplace or in a foreign country and I don't know the answer I say what would a man do? You know and that would be almost say over the worried well, what you know what would your husband say? Do you know I mean just go there but there's so many different answers. I mean, they the to relate to. I would say though maintain your sense of humor. If you don't have one, find one. Read comedian comments, read humorous, watch funny movies. If you don't have a problem with alcohol, have a little bit of wine every night if you have something so that you can laugh and have a sense of you get a pet you know, remain open and curious. I still remember learning about Belgium in the fifth grade, which was two years before I ended up moving there and for some reason, I was fascinated by that. I was fascinated by geography at that age. I'm still fascinated. I sort of don't like using something like a GPS, you know, waves, because it doesn't show me on the map. How to get there. I look it up later. So, I'm still fitting remain curious. Be open to people. Yeah, you know, talk to strangers. Whenever I had whenever I used to regularly have a dinner party, I would always invite someone I just met. That didn't know and I always next my group of friends have different types of groups of friends my yoga friends, my you know, my older lady friend, my friends from chat, not childhood, so much they started about 30 are my longest-term friends but remain curious. But above all, be open and really, really look to the younger generation too privately don't tell them we are doing this and get some new wisdom from them. You know, how smart we are at 22?
Marlana
Yeah
Ruth
Know it all and they got great. I love Millennials sort of more than sense of humor about themselves. I mean, they'll pick on you, but they're totally like, here's the act and like an absolute idiot, and here's why. And I you know, I love it. It's my kids are in their 40s. So, they're that kind of age, you know. But it's like that, it's that kind of its remain open, try and be happy for God's sake. If reading the newspaper is upsetting, you then don't do it. Or read the fun, do the crossword puzzle. Find an interesting app on your phone, ask your children what game they're playing on their phone, I do that for my daughter, she keeps me up to date with whatever game she's playing, you know, like that and be open to the new stuff. You don't have any control over time passing. You know, you do have control over the mood you're in. And if you like coffee, don't give it up. My son keeps trying to he's a health fanatic. Trying to have me give up coffee isn’t giving up coffee.
Marlana
You need it to go with the chips.
Ruth
Boy, that'd be a good combination, then I'll head off to the party and my finest outfit.
Marlana
Love this. Okay, Ruth, I just have four final questions for you. First one, what's the best piece of advice you're ever given?
Ruth
That I wasn't ever given?
Marlana
That you were given?
Ruth
Yes, and that's fake it till you make it.
Marlana
Interesting. Share this one thing on your bucket list.
Ruth
I want to go down to Buenos Aires for three months to six months and study the tango.
Marlana
Very cool. When the toy companies finally get around to making an action figure view, what two accessories will that come with?
Ruth
Well, one is a sword. Because I think it's kind of a clean cut. You need to you know, kill the person or whatever. And it's so it's also beautiful. And I used to do a lot of ballet and ballet is one of the things fencers take for the feet. But the other one is not so much as accessories I would have it that my limbs are expandable, they go long, and the legs and so you can climb and jump and be bigger than so.
Marlana
And last one how do people find you and also tell us how to find your book.
Ruth
My book is on amazon.com and books and all three of my books and I have a website Ruth younger.com I also I'm on Facebook, I don't do as much on Facebook as I did and I'm on Instagram and the reason I mentioned my Instagram is it has a lot more of my daily kind of fine magic in your everyday life because it's free and you can have it you know no matter what and little things you know like the day that all the lights are green, and so on. So, my Am I on Instagram, it's Ruth dot Yunker because people were calling me Ruthie, hunker cut that kind of name. I mean one day I was supposed to say hi, I'm Ruth younger about 10 times into the camera. And by the end I was like this is this hard name to say cheerfully and usually you just say hey, hi, I'm Ruth. You don't say hey, I'm Hi, I'm Ruth younger, and parents is pronounced hood homecare.
Marlana
awful, just awful. Well, thank you so much for that. I'll have to look you up on Instagram. And thank you for being here.
Ruth
Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure.