Fine Isn’t Good Enough

Karsta Marie spent years creating a life that was “fine”- and it cost her EVERY ounce of energy.  After a divorce, fifteen years as a single mom, a second failed relationship, some serious introspection, healing and bravery she’s using the lessons she’s learned to help others start living the extraordinary life they deserve.

website:  https://karstamarie.com

instagram: https://www.instagram.com/karsta_marie/

Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/karstamarie

LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/karihurd/

Marlana: My next guest spent years creating life that was fine. And it cost her every ounce of energy after a divorce 15 years as a single mom, a second failed relationship, some serious introspection healing and bravery. She's using the lessons she learned to help others live the extraordinary life they deserve. Welcome, Karsta.

Karsta: Thank you so much for having me!

Marlana: So, let's talk about fine. What does fine get us?

Karsta: Fine gets us frustrated. Fine leaves us feeling stuck. I've recently come to…discover that fine really left me… it was the biggest puzzle piece in my lack of confidence. 

Marlana: Which is when? When you say sorry? W

Karsta: Well, just recently on a different podcast, actually, we were talking about confidence. And I realized that once I started stepping away from fine, once I got a little bit brave and took that first step, I realized that we end up in fine, because we're subscribing to so many other stories of what is supposed to bring us happiness. And that part I knew, but what I realized is the; more I started trusting my own intuition, listening to what really was lighting me up inside, that fire in my belly and following that my confidence started to skyrocket because I started trusting myself more. It was like I had started to build and nurture that relationship with myself just like you would with somebody else. 

Marlana: But the longer you're in a relationship with somebody, the more you trust them, the more confidence you have in that relationship. And it's the same thing with yourself? 

Karsta: That's been just a really fun new piece that I've been, journaling on and exploring, and it's just kind of opened things up for me even more.

Marlana: So, at what point did you realize that you were living a life that was fine, and not extraordinary?

Karsta: I think we all sort of know it always. It's that nagging feeling of something, or everything sucks all the time. Just kind of that you're worn down, you're tired, but really, it happened in retrospect, when I looked back, and I just got to my breaking point, quite honestly, I had been in, like you said, in the intro, so I was married for 10 years, when we were together, at first, he was like my best friend, and it was wonderful. But there was just always this knowing that I had that for as wonderful as a human as he was and as much fun as we had together, I just wasn't supposed to be married to him. I think it's bad, right? That constant sort of nagging of like, I'll do this, but just something inside me, I know, it's just not right. But we ignore it because, for me, building sort of what I call that picket fence life. That's what I saw everybody around me doing, Nd that's what made sense. The things that were burning in my belly that excited me didn't really make sense with what I saw happening. So, it was a matter of stuffing those down and subscribing to what made sense around me and adapting to all of that. I think looking back, like I said, there was always this knowing. It's those intuitive hits that you get. For me, on my day after my wedding, we were driving to our tiny little apartment, and we happen to be in separate cars, and I was like bawling. Part of it was like the exhaustion and stuff, but it was just sort of this. In that moment I thought, this is not good. Like I kind of knew, but I wouldn't say it out loud. It's those kinds of moments where but you won't admit it to yourself.

Marlana: And in this particular case, it applied to a situation, (your relationship that you were in), but it can apply to jobs, calls and all those kinds of things. How often would you say that we play to the level of people around us?

Karsta: Oh! I couldn't even give it a percentage, but it's absolutely true. I did do it with my career. I became a teacher because I didn't know what else to do and I think that's a lot of it. We don't trust and this is where that confidence piece circles back, we don't trust ourselves. And for whatever reason, sometimes it's some sort of childhood. When I say trauma, I don't mean like the big traumas, those are kind of obvious, but for me it was growing up in an environment and it wasn't just my parents, it was a lot of the adults around me kind of telling me that they knew best. And so if I would get a little imagine… That's silly. “What do you know”, those kinds of things, where we don't mean anything by it, but we start to internalize them. And so, I just assumed I didn't know any better and it became, if I don't know any better, I better start trusting other people, because I must not know what I'm doing. 

Marlana: it's interesting that you say on that too, because I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, and we were talking about the employee mentality versus the entrepreneurial mentality. There's not that one's better than the other. But recognize, even if you want to be an entrepreneur, that it's a different way of thinking, and you're not the people that have a work for hire mentality, or an employee mentality, are not going to understand what you're looking to accomplish. They're not going to understand that you want this bigger thing, they're not going to understand your risks, and all of that that's involved with that. So, it becomes finding people that do.

Karsta: right! I think the flip is true, I was an employee for over 20 years, and I played that game. So, I get that game, and at the same time while I played it, and I kind of get it, I don't understand it in my heart, I understand it in my head. But I don't understand it in my heart, I try to live by following somebody else's rules I wasn't meant to follow the rules, I wasn't meant to be normal. I was meant to have this different life and I think that that's the biggest thing for a lot of us entrepreneurs, or those of us that have… even if you're not an actual entrepreneur with your own business, or some kind of adventure, those with that mindset, the biggest obstacle is overcoming other people's lack of understanding. And it's really easy to fall back into those old patterns if all these other people are saying that I'm a little bit crazy, maybe I am. And maybe I better just take a step back and jump back into that employee mindset or about that, quote, unquote, normal mindset.

Marlana: Do you think that it's easier now, especially with access to everything that's online, to find a tribe that will help you learn and grow? 

Karsta: For sure! Absolutely! I've had to be very mindful of who I follow, because sometimes, it can swing the other way, if you've lived so long in that mindset of following what others say. Then you find yourself with other entrepreneurs, that there's still that, am especially if you're kind of newer to honoring that part of yourself. There's this “am I doing it right” sort of feeling, whether its business related or just kind of living your life that way. There's this “who am I doing it? Well, she's doing it that way. Maybe I better try to do it that way”. And it's one of the things that I love with the women I work with, is we get to the root of “No, it doesn't matter what she's doing, what stop throwing spaghetti at the wall, let's stop trying everybody else's on and let's figure out what works for you”. And then go see if there's somebody you can use as a guide or a mentor, so, that there's purposeful. 

Marlana: I always say there's purposeful sort of trying on of other people's strategies. Talk to us a little bit about what that kind of journey looks like.

Karsta: Oh! I think first and foremost, it's getting crystal clear. So, I like to walk through it because I did this exercise pretty early in my journey, but I like to walk through, and have you sort of visualize for real what do you want to feel on a day to day basis in your life and that to me always says I want to be happy. Okay! Does That mean you can make it happy? Yeah! My coffee makes me happy every day. Like, what is it? So, I like to dig deep and find some other words almost like creating a mantra of sorts. So, for me, when I did this exercise, I came up with simple, effortless, hello, but a simple, effortless life full of joy, abundance and love like that. For me that's what drives me every day and so, okay! Happy doesn't get you out of bed every day, what's going to get you out of bed and be excited about your day? And because I don't think we can start on any kind of journey; you can't tell Siri or your Google Maps to give you directions if you don't tell it the final destination first. So, we have to find out what's that final destination? And I have a very crystal clear vision in my head of what my epic life looks like, and does everything about what I'm doing right now fit that vision? Absolutely! Not because it's an ongoing process, that vision is ever evolving. And I'm ever evolving, but that vision, and that mantra are what drives me every day. So, step one is always to sort of get at least that vision and get one or two words that are really going to drive. Like, how do you want to show up today?

Marlana: I think being specific number one is very important. I have a friend of mine had sent one day. So many people say oh, I want to make more money. And he said so I can hand you a quarter, you've just made more money, right? Be specific about what you want to when you want to do, because like you were saying, you can only get to a destination that you can you have determined, and I think help or should ask this. How do you feel about being specific about the destination but flexible on the journey?

Karsta: Absolutely! And again, if you use that same metaphor, if I plug a destination into my phone app, it shows me three or four different options of routes, right? It says this one will get you there the fastest. But this one actually is the shortest distance or this one… you know, it gives me options and that's exactly why you need that final destination so that you can make those choices.

Marlana: I liked your point earlier that you don't have to do it like somebody else. 

Karsta: Right! Because that's their one way, maybe they're taking the fastest route, but maybe you want to take the shortest route, that might take a little longer. I always say you're never on the wrong path, you're just taking the longer one and that's fine. So, step two, I always tell people, is just really because I think another big obstacle for people is the fear of well, if I admit to myself that I want to different ways, that means I have to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and like tear it all down and start from scratch, which is what I did. And I don't recommend it. I would say, my goal in life is to help people not do what I did. And so really working to say, Okay, if this is the route you're going to choose, let's come up with sort of some checkpoints. And let's what does that look like every single day? What is and bridging that gap and showing up with intention every day and doing it little by little? Because if it doesn't perform for the crowd, that's really overwhelming. 

Marlana: yeah. And I think, too, that just by having those little checkpoints, you also can see what progress you've made. You can kind of readjust along the way. All those kinds of things. 

Karsta: Absolutely! And yeah, decide, is this route working for me? Do I need to switch, you know, and just stop and celebrate too? Because we don't do enough of that. We spend a lot of time running from what we want. Or I'm sorry, running from what we don't want, instead of moving toward what we do want, and we don't celebrate that we've made progress toward what we want. We just kind of keep running, I want to get away from my old life. So, I'm gonna keep running.

Marlana: What about people that decide partway that you know what, maybe this isn't the route for me? Isn't it okay? Also, to change along the way, just because you have mapped something else out and today you've decided you want this. And you get partway there, and you decide, you know what, maybe it's not this maybe it's really bad. What about shifting gears?

Karsta: Absolutely! I do always say like 100% but I always say just be careful. that you're not shifting gears, because you're getting scared. Be careful that you're not shifting gears because it's getting hard. There's a difference between, because I think like when I ventured on this journey, when I started this, when I left my teaching career, I surrounded myself with a bunch of people who were very, very spiritual, which, which I am. And this is not to like, but it was very much the message I heard was will, if you align with universal energy, it will come to you. And so, I sort of sat back and said, Okay, well, now I know what I want to do. And that's in alignment with who I am, someone's gonna sit back and like, come to me, but there's the work that has to go into it. It's not easy, but it should feel effortless. Right? So, it's, there's hard work you have to put in every single day, to sit down and do some of the tasks that you have to do. But honestly, it feels effortless for me and that's the goal, that’s what really, we all want. We want freedom from feeling tied down to something that doesn't bring us joy in we should be seeking a life where I will say where there's at least an equal exchange of energy. Instead of always feeling like you're emptying your cup every day, at least you're getting something back. 

Marlana: So, it's not how do we know? But all right, I have my brain going in all kinds of directions. So, I keep jumping in. At what point? Is there any kind of way to check ourselves to see if we are switching gears out of fear? Or we just don't want to put in the effort? Or if it really is just not, what's lighting us up?

Karsta: Yeah, and this could be. Actually, I do have an excellent, really short quick exercise, I'll share with your listeners that you can even do this, prior to beginning your journey if you're sort of feeling like something feels unsettled, like what should I do about it, I do this really quick exercise, sometimes if I'm feeling a little bit like. I take one hand, and I set it on my chest, I do this lying down, it's just easier because I'm more comfortable. And I actually kind of let myself get very restful, right. And I put the other hand down, kind of on my womb space, right under my belly button. I take three long, slow, deep breaths. And I always start. So, this might take a day or two, you might have to do this a couple of times over a couple of days just to get comfortable with it, especially if this is not something you've ever done. But the first time I do this, I get sort of calm and quiet with myself. And I start asking myself yes or no questions that I already know the answer to. So, do I have two daughters? And as I asked myself the question, I started taking my inhale. And as I answer on the exhale, the answer sort of comes out. So, it's like, do I have two daughters? Yes. And that's what comes out. And you just sort of let it happen freely. And I would say anywhere from like five to 10 questions that you already know the answer to. And then it makes sure it's an equal balance of both right? So, like, I have a cat, maybe I would ask myself, Do I have a dog? So that I'm making sure I have? Yes. And what you're looking for is not only to start letting your mind answer, free leave when you have questions about your life, but then also start to notice where you feel it in your body. I know, when I'm feeling very out of alignment or something is what I was in at the bad kind of scary, like, we're not going there, I feel it in a certain place in my gut. But if it's like, exciting, it's in a slightly different place in my gut moving up into my chest, like I get excited. And I can feel my heart beating in a good way. So just starting to take notice of where you feel that it just puts you back into touch with yourself so that you can start trusting yourself. Again, like we talked about earlier here. You have to rebuild that relationship with yourself. So, transfer just taking stock of, how do I really feel about this? 

Marlana: So almost like your own internal lie detector test.

Karsta: Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it is. And then obviously, then over time you're going to graduate into… I like to keep it to yes or no questions because they're easy. But just asking yourself questions about like, is this the right path for me? And just seeing where you feel, but that doesn't mean that's the definite answer that you have to like, all of a sudden, Oh! I need to switch gears right now. It's just taking notice and saying, Okay, well, maybe it isn't. And let me explore it some more. And I think that that's the other big piece is just being patient with yourself, even if you're going to switch gears. You don't have to switch gears today or tomorrow. Again, don't burn it down to the ground, just start making shifts until you feel more settled again. So, we don't necessarily have to bring it back to careers, we don't have to leave what we're doing to start to pursue something else because that can be scary too. When we get scared, we put up our defenses. And then we like nervous about is this new thing going to work? Or is this new job going to be the right job or the new career going to be the right career? So yeah, just starting small and starting to explore so that you can make the transition easier. 

Marlana: So, if there is one thing that you want people to walk away with today, what is it?

Karsta: I think that if you're feeling unsettled, in part of your life, or your life as a whole; if you're feeling frustrated by every little thing, it's time to explore and just see, are you settling for fine. I'm okay with that. 

Marlana: Karsta, I just have four final questions for you. 

Karsta: Yeah. 

Marlana: First one, what's the best piece of advice you were ever given?

Karsta: To learn to trust myself. One of the first coaches I had when I started in this journey was to learn to trust myself.

Marlana: Share with us one thing on your bucket list.

Karsta: I want to do and Eat Pray Love sort of trip at some point in my life where I hit three different places. Maybe not necessarily with those specific goals but three very different places for different purposes.

Marlana: Love it. When the toy companies finally get around to make an action figure of you, what to accessories will it come with

Karsta: a coffee cup? And oh! Gosh! What’s the other one? I would say a candle. I love candles.

Marlana: Love it. And last one, how do people find you? And I know that you also for anybody that this resonates with, you do offer one on one coaching. So how do people find you?

Karsta: I do. Yep. So, I offer one on one coaching. The easiest way to find me is on my website karstamarrie.com. Otherwise, I frequent Instagram and Facebook and I'm also venturing a little bit into LinkedIn. That's going to be my next new platform. But Instagram and Facebook are probably the easiest right now. My website really is more of kind of a warehouse of information about me if you're just kind of curious. There are some links on there as well to contact me. Otherwise, DM in the social medias. 

Marlana: Love it. Thank you so much. And thanks for being here.

Karsta: Thank you so much for having me. This was wonderful.

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Audio: Ariza Music Productions

Transcription: Vision In Word